Resurrecting the Past to Protect the Future
by Phoebsfan
Summary: What was going on inside Mulder and Scully's heads as the end of the eight season unfolded? Writen in their point of veiw.
1. Scully's Pov

Authors note: Scully POV obviously

Resurrecting the Past to Protect the Future

AN: dumb title sorry working on it.Ok takes place during season eight hopefully you can tell when.More Chapters to come.I don't own any characters so far I may bring my little medical assistant man in cause he's hot…jkOh also I have other pieces in Scully pov about various events in the eighth season that I am hoping to work in thus creating an inside look on various important seen and unseen moments in x-files history.If you like this tell me.If you don't like it tell me.May I also recommend The Truth we both knew and The Truth is right here. Well read on and tell me what you think.

Chapter one…Resurrecting the Past (Scully POV)

I still can't believe he's back.But I'm sitting here watching him sleep in that hospital bed.The scene is all too familiar and for the fiftieth time at least I feel like I've been here before.

Is this the kind of life I want my child brought into? 

The question passes through my head fleetingly.It isn't important now.All that is important is the fact that he is really there in front of me breathing.For so long I prayed that he would take a breath and prove us all wrong but he never did and so we had buried him.Even now I don't understand it.How could his body have sustained the life form that was slowly taking over without air? It defies all logical explanation. All I know is that it did.It doesn't bother me as much as it would have.I guess the things I've seen in the X-files have prepared me for just about anything.

Anything but dealing with this however.Nowhere did I learn how to tell my best friend that I was pregnant and that the child I was carrying didn't have a father.That he couldn't impregnate me but that miraculously I had conceived a child.

I didn't learn how to tell him that he'd been dead for three months either.You can't just tell someone you buried them three months ago and then expect everything to go back to normal…right.

Our work on the X-files might serve to lessen the blow but it wouldn't erase it.

I remember how I felt when I had woken up in a hospital after they had taken me.I was glad to be back but mad that they had taken so much of my life from me.

Mulder had almost nine months of life taken from him.I wasn't sure how he would react to that.I wished I could take the pain that I knew he would feel away from him.But I knew I couldn't.

My child stirred within me reminding me that he was there.I knew it was a boy.I don't know how I just did and then a doctor confirmed my suspicions with an ultra sound.I don't know why it mattered so much to me, the gender of my child, but it did.I only wished to know how this miracle had occurred.I knew what I would call him.It was the only thing that fit really.Strange that after all we had been through, after all the years of struggling to gain proof of his theories, that this child would come at this time, in this way.We would need something to bridge that gap between us now.He hadn't told me about his medical problems and I had buried him alive.To think about it was funny.At least I hadn't autopsied his body while he was still living.

After all the macho thinking I'd been doing I realized that I couldn't do it.Hard as it is to admit I couldn't perform the autopsy.Oh I denied it well into future months but looking back I realize how I couldn't have done it.

I let my eyes wander back to his bed as I keep my hand on my stomach.Both boys I had grown to love.I squeeze Mulder's hand and wish that it could have been his child growing within me now.It would have made both of us so happy.But little William would still be our child even if Mulder wasn't the father.I couldn't let anyone else have the honor.It was inane and sentimental I know but lately I've been feeling inane and sentimental. Not to mention sappy and corny. It isn't every day your best friend is brought back to life.

I know what people think about the two of us.They think we are some star-crossed lovers or something Shakespearian like that but truthfully we aren't.The love I have for him isn't like that at all.I miss him because he is part of me.We've worked together for seven years this last would have made it eight.Both of us live our job.Sad to say we have no other lives besides it; pretend as we may that we do.I saw him more then I saw my landlord, my mother, my priest, and my mailman all put together.I've slept in a hotel more then I've slept in my own bed.We've never been apart for longer then a week excluding my abduction and recently the problems that he has had.We each carry a key to each other's apartments.Our phones are on speed dial.I don't love him because he is my mate.I love him because he is my friend and my partner. He is my equal.It isn't the same, I'm sure it isn't the same.

It's no use cataloging it in my head it just confuses me more.We have something so complex I don't know if anyone could sort it out.

As my eyes dance once again across his features I realize I don't want him to wake up yet.I'm not ready to do what has to be done and he looks so peaceful sleeping there, my hand in his, where it ought to be. 

I'm all he has left, I realize.

It's no wonder there is no one here but me.His crusade has cost him everything.Strange that this thought does not disturb me like it should.The room is too peaceful to have anything shake me like it should.That in it's self is odd.

But he stirs anyway.I knew that eventually he would.He squeezes my hand back and I lean over to see him better.He jokes with me and I can't help but smile back.He always could make me smile.I missed that the most I think, that and his constant presence in the room, his towering over me like a giant defender.

I used to tell him I hated it when he worried or treated me like I needed protecting.A part of me would get so angry that he couldn't treat me like his equal in that matter.But when it was gone I missed it.I missed all the subtle gestures like his hand on the small of my back leading me into a room or the way he always had my back.I missed how he used to bait me with every case, I realized I'd come to love the little clues he'd dangle in front of me willing me to make my own theory leaving out the one clue that would change everything.I missed the lighthearted repartee, the sarcasm, and yes I even missed the dang sunflower seeds.

We both masked the gravity of the moment in humor.Reality could wait till tomorrow right now we had each other and that was all we needed.I'm sure he saw the roundness of my stomach but he ignored it.He knew I knew his secret but I ignored it.I wouldn't have done it for anyone else.I wasn't going to do it, even for him, but something in his eyes warned me not to go there.I knew that our journey back wasn't going to be pleasant.

Both of us hurt but in that moment we were what we used to be, Mulder and Scully, Mr. & Mrs. Spooky, jokes of the FBI, and annoyances to our superiors.It was if the whole awful nightmare hadn't occurred.I saw then what we could have been.I don't know if that's what we will be.A part of me dares to hope we can go back to that.The more sensible half says those days are over.There is too much between us now.Broken bridges and bad water run where once our relationship flourished.

Even now the moment fades and we become awkward around each other fumbling over sentences and gestures.Tripping over our own feet.It hurts more then I thought possible. 

Maybe it is for the best.I thought I had closed this chapter in my life and now here he is living and breathing and even speaking.I hate the uncertainty.I wish he'd pull me to him and tell me everything would be fine. In the old days he'd hug me and kiss my forehead, now we could only look at each other and joke.Even when both of us just wanted to hold each other.

Why did every thing have to be so d--- complicated?

He must have seen the fire in my eyes, for his grip on my hand got stronger as if he was asking me for time.His eyes seemed to echo the fear in my heart that we wouldn't be able to cross this gap together.They seemed to ring with the pain that clutched at my very soul.It was unbearable this looking but not touching.This cat and mouse game we were playing with our eyes.

I don't know how it happened but suddenly I was in his arms.It felt like it had been an eternity.But his embrace was unlike anything between us before.There was something about it that left me feeling…different in a good sort of way.Maybe it was the longing for each other's company that made it feel singular.We'd been apart so long that maybe this was just better for that reason. 

He pulled me closer still and I climbed up on the bed with him.(Hospital beds are small for one person; try fitting three.) I fell asleep with my head against his chest and his arm around my shoulder once more my defender.


	2. Mulder's Pov

Chapter two…Resurrecting the Past (Mulder's POV)

Chapter two…Resurrecting the Past (Mulder's POV)

I opened my eyes to her face.I remembered that from last night.This morning when I woke up her red hair was still resting on my chest.She means the world to me but as I looked at her I felt betrayed.This woman, I would have done anything for her, and now all I could see was the roundness of her stomach.It hurts.

I knew I was being selfish.I wanted more then anything to be the one that could give her a child.I didn't care how far I'd have to go, I didn't care what I'd have to do.I would have done it gladly.But I let her down; I couldn't give her what she wanted more then anything in the world.

It was only right of her to go to someone else.It just hurt me more then I would have imagined. 

I caressed her stomach wishing that the child growing there were mine.The things I would have taught him.I would have loved him.I would have done right by him.H--- I would have done it for his mother too.

She was so perfect, so beautiful, my equal in every way, but she was also unattainable.

She cuddled closer to me.Last night I had sworn I would distance myself from her, but her eyes, her g—d--- eyes, they do it to me every time.I wasn't going to care.I was going to be cold, distant, aloof.Instead she was able to melt my wall down in four point two seconds.I have to work on that.

I could feel her heart beating and her every breath.They played me like some insidious torture.Again I questioned why I had been so soft, already knowing the answer.

I couldn't hurt her like she hurt me.Not last night I couldn't.This morning however was a different story.Last night I was willing to overlook the child but now I had no choice but to face the fact that I couldn't give her that.That I failed her and that she's moved on.Today I had to accept the fact that I'm not the only person she gets up for any more.(Previously I liked to think that, even if I knew it wasn't true)And when she has the child I have to accept the fact that the real father will be a big part of her life.That he could love her more then I do.That he could marry her and that she could very well quit the FBI to raise her child.

As much as it hurts me I still have to admit it is possible even likely that she loves the father. I gulped down bitter tears at that thought.I didn't want to lose her but I couldn't hold her back either.

G--I couldn't lose her.She was everything to me.I couldn't believe that she didn't know that.Thinking this way always infuriated me.I had built up enough anger now to wake her but a part of me still wanted to watch her sleep.It was the same part of me that clung to her every movement.The same part that traced her features with its fingers, lingering on her perfect lips.

This part of me scared me.It seemed to react to every word out of her mouth, every gesture, every touch.At times it was overwhelming and it took control.Like last night when I had pulled her to me or in the hall of my apartment building right before she was stung by the bee that landed us both in Antarctica.I was able to keep it under some kind of control usually and I only let parts of it out.That was when I flirted with her like there was no tomorrow, that was safe friendly behavior.She never questioned that I'm sure.

I had tried to distance her previously, before…the incident.But then that night in Oregon.We were headed for something bigger then both of us, so I told her it wasn't worth it.I wanted her to get away.I thought I was saving her.It was too late for me then.I had thought my life would be over soon anyway but I kept hoping some how that I could stay with her forever.She doesn't have to tell me now that any signs of my previous condition are gone.I've seen enough x-files to figure that out on my own.Now we do have forever.Or at least we would have had forever.I'm not sure now if we can even be the same friends that we used to be.

Her child lies between us.I wanted to be happy for her I really did.But it kept coming back to my failure and her new best friend.I wonder who he is.I wonder if he can protect her and keep her happy.I know I couldn't.From the day we met all I have been able to do is hurt her.It was my fault she couldn't have children in the first place.

She stirred again and let out a soft moan that pierced me to the very core.It was an innocent sound but it rang in my ears and pulsed through my veins possessively.This would be harder then I thought.I was sure my mind would clear however as soon as she woke up and pushed away from me.She was always the one to remind me that there was a reason I didn't act out all my little fantasies.

She pulled me closer still in her sleep and I knew that I wouldn't be able to take much more of this so I shifted my position waking her in the process.

I thought she'd pull away but she didn't.That really threw me.Maybe I had a chance after all. 

My hopes were dashed however by her new partner peeking in the door to my room.She quickly pulled herself away realizing she shouldn't have been there in the first place.

This was the man who had taken my place.I looked him over once and wondered what she saw in him.He didn't enter my room just beckoned for Scully to come outside.I didn't blame him.I'm sure the fury I was feeling for him was quite evident.My anger turned to sadness however when she followed him without a backwards glance.It was probably his child she carried.

I wished she'd never found me.It would have been easier.


	3. Scully wonders whats next

I knew last night couldn't last but a part of me was so happy to pretend that maybe it could

I knew last night couldn't last but a part of me was so happy to pretend that maybe it could. I was wrong though.When I woke up in his arms, I still can't believe that I spent the night in the hospital with him, I felt the tension in him.He wanted me to leave.I didn't want to go but even know I question myself for saying that.Lately I've been thinking about Mulder more then I should.In ways I know I shouldn't.I don't know why and I hope it stops soon. I keep telling myself we aren't like that.My foolish brain won't listen though and I end up lost in some fantasy where Mulder and I are playing house.I'm marking it up to the hormones.If he ever found out I'd never hear the end of it.

I wish I had my partner back.That sounds strange doesn't it?But it's true non-the less.When I left him this morning I felt his eyes drilling a hole in my back.I should have turned around and given him some sign or something but all I wanted to do was leave him to stew.Some sick vindictive part of me wanted to hurt him for his coldness. For pulling away from me.

This whole thing has gotten me more messed up then I thought possible.Now I'm standing here in the hall outside of his room thinking mean, vengeful thoughts when all he did was pull away.He hadn't said anything; he hadn't done anything to warrant anything bad.The man had just been back from hell and I was feeling bad for myself over nothing.Great show of compassion Scully.

But that wasn't all, my foolish self tried to justify.I knew what I had gotten into when I entered the room but still some little part of me had entered and had wanted to pretend that things were going to be just like they used to be.His glances at my stomach and the anger that flashed through his eyes when he thought I wasn't looking had brought reality crashing hard and I was still licking my wounds from it.The anger had turned to a sadness that seemed to congregate in his liquid eyes putting out the fire and pooling like cool raw mercury and shooting daggers straight into my heart. And I got all that from about twenty minutes of talking to him.I didn't want to go through the next twenty hours with him.

I didn't want to tell him about William.

It would be exceedingly uncomfortable and he would look at me with those hurt puppy eyes.He would blame himself.He always did.He'd feel guilty that he couldn't give me a child.He'd think he failed me.He probably already did.He wouldn't ask who the father was.That question would burn a hole in his mind, picking one applicant or the other depending on which pawn fit the playing field for that inning.And even after I set him straight he'd always question it.Not because he didn't believe me but because it was in his nature to question everything.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.The naïve part of me had believed that William would bridge the gap but instead he made it bigger.

William kicked me seeming to resent my thoughts and I smiled repentantly.No it wasn't his fault it was his d--- father.He hadn't been awake for a total of thirty minutes and he had already frustrated me almost to exasperation.And I had the audacity to admit that I had missed that when he was gone.

I let my mind wander over my reference to Mulder as William's father.It felt right.I didn't know how to broach the topic with him though.It's not like we could just let that one slide like so many other things we would let go unsaid.I'd have to confront him with that offer too.

Needless to say I was not looking forward to going back in there.


	4. Mulder's vow

AN: Ok there is mention to Mulder's autopsy in this chapter

AN: Ok there is mention to Mulder's autopsy in this chapter.I have written I piece I hope to incorporate into this story on what happened at this autopsy that we never see.In case I can't and you are interested it is entitled The Truth is Right Here.If you like this you should check it out along with my other X-files fic The Truth we Both Knew which I am also trying to tie in.

When she left I gained the courage to look at what I'd become.I felt different.My face felt tight, pulled like an animal skin stretched to dry.My chest was burning.Gathering every ounce I had I sat up and pulled the gown away from my skin.What had they done to me?

There was the characteristic y-incision.How did I live through that?I've seen enough autopsies to know that there wasn't anyway a person could actually live through that.A cold chill shot up my spine when I stopped to wonder who had performed the autopsy.Scully had always done it before.Would she have stepped aside for this one?Or would her characteristic emotional detachment from everything tell her that I was just another body?G— the woman infuriated me.Had she been so easy to dismiss me?For I was certain now that it was in fact her who had held the knife. She was always so eager to do the slicing and dicing before. I could picture it in her perfectly sculpted fingers, slightly hesitating then not…I allowed myself that thought, that maybe she hesitated. 

I wasn't just another body.I'd been trying to tell myself that now ever since I woke up.To _them_ I was another body, another test subject, another guinea pig they could practice their experiments on.To Scully I was just another casualty.I wonder if she referred to me in technical terms.Maybe she was too busy to dice me though.I wonder how long it took her to get pregnant.I wonder how many times she tried.

The thoughts sicken me.I don't want to lose that trust I had in her but it seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't forgive her for trying to be happy.I don't know why this irritates me.She's never been romantically involved with me.We are good friends, she thought I was dead, she asked me first, these facts stare me straight in the face and still all I can do is feel betrayed.

I ran my hands down my arms checking them, trying to distract myself from thoughts of Scully, trying to forget how peaceful she looked in my arms, trying to forget how her mouth curled in her sleep and how her red hair had been such a comforting site.The roughness and dead dry appearance of my skin reminds me why Scully's hair had meant so much to me.

I didn't remember what had happened to me.Everything from the time I left Scully and went into the Oregon woods up to the moment I woke up in this room was gone.I remembered bits and pieces, like a bright light, comforting voices, I even though I remembered hearing Scully once and I was sure I felt her hand in mine.But I didn't remember what they did to me and that scared me.Frankly it was easier to talk about how betrayed I was then to remember that which I didn't remember.

Scully could help.Heck she knew exactly how I was feeling.Well not exactly I hadn't settled down and started a family in her absence.I hadn't fallen in love with my new partner. (To be fair I didn't know if she really did have feelings for this man but the very idea that she could have something that approached what we used to have made me want to throw the bed I was sitting on through a window then hunt the guy down and show him a thing or two.)I hadn't changed at all.And now I'm sitting her berating her for moving on.I had to be the most egotistical, insensitive, jerk on the face of the planet.She couldn't help because I wasn't going to let her close enough to.

The door to my room opened and Scully walked in.Pulling my gown back to me we exchanged an uncertain look.I laced my part with distrust.Seconds later seeing the hurt in her eyes I regretted it but I wasn't about to take it back.It was the first step in a battle I wasn't willing to lose.I was bound and determined to get Scully out of my life before that child was born.I owed it to both of them, for their own safety.


	5. Resurecting a Friendship...Scully and Mu...

A few weeks later…

A few weeks later…

He didn't want to hear it.I didn't tell him.After eight years we'd just had our first major fight.Oh we'd argued numerous times but never had any of it been so bitter.The last major fight I could remember was a result of drugs in his water.And now.I look at him stunned as the last words he said bounce of my brain.As if it wasn't enough he felt the need to repeat them.

"How long did you wait before you crawled in bed with him Scully?Or was it someone else?Did you enjoy yourself? I certainly wouldn't want you to have gone through all that for nothing."I still wasn't sure he was saying these things to me.I couldn't believe he could assume that.I couldn't believe that he could believe that.I thought he trusted me.I thought he cared.

"What's the matter Scully can't you come up with any big words to defend yourself with?" He was trying to hurt me.I wasn't going to stand for it.

"Mulder I don't know what they did to you but it obviously effected your judgment.If you don't know the answers to those dim-witted questions I'm not going to reward your cowardly behavior.I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea and think that you actually meant something to me and that this conversation actually hurt.Since you're so cock-fired sure that you know everything why don't you tell me how this happened."

"Um lets see.You're a doctor Scully I would think you knew how these things happened.Maybe though you've conveniently forgotten.Shall I refresh your memory Ms Ice Queen?"

"No." it was said with clear rage.I hated the name and I couldn't believe that Mulder would ever use it against me. "I'm all to familiar with it.Or have _you_ forgotten." She paused here for a moment.

"No." he echoed through gritted teeth.

"They should have kept you.I've forgotten how arrogant and narcissistic you are.I'd even deluded myself into thinking I'd missed you." I'd hit him low I could see it in his eyes but I wasn't finished yet."You know I honestly thought that you'd be happy for me.I'd gotten the one thing that I'd always wanted but that because of you I'd been denied." That finished him.I hated myself for it and I couldn't even start to justify it.He nodded but couldn't hide the sadness in his eyes.I'd broken the man that I cared about more then anyone else in the world and I felt awful about it.

My heels rang too loud on the hard cold floor as I walked away.I wanted to turn around and tell him everything.But I couldn't.Not now.I wanted him to call out to me.If he had I would have come back running spouting apologies.But he didn't.I never expected him to.

I watched her familiar and comforting shape slip further from me.Her words still lay wrenched in my heart and every breath hurt.From the moment I woke up weeks ago I had planned this fight.I never imagined how much it would hurt.I watched as she tried to hold her head up and pretend nothing was the matter.

I wondered if her heart ached the way mine did.I knew that I had hurt her deeply otherwise she wouldn't have said the things she did.I watched as her red hair bobbed a little.I'd seen that before.It always came right after her clipped "I'm fine." And before her heart wrenching tears.

I wanted her to turn around.I willed her too.My heart and my soul cried for hers.I realized then that the two of us were connected.I'd always known we were close but I never realized that in the past eight years my soul had unexplainablely twined around hers.My happiness depended on her and now she was walking away.

She wouldn't turn and I couldn't call her.I willed the Gods to step in if there was such a thing as fate I wished it would deal me a kind hand.I needed her. I breathed her like air and I quenched my thirst in her life giving essence.She was everything and now she was walking down that hall.Once before I had almost let her walk away.Back then I had the courage to stop her.But now.

Now too much lay between us.She'd have to turn or give me some kind of signal that she still wanted me in her life.I would have come I would have come running.But she kept on walking.

I couldn't blame her.After all the cold things I'd said to her.I wouldn't have been able to turn around.I had treated her like s--- the past few weeks.And I knew I didn't deserve what happened next but it happened anyway.

Just as her clicking heels reached the end of the hallway one of them broke off and she started to fall.I don't know how I got there so fast but I caught her and we went down together.In eight years she's never had her heel break and now at the time I needed it, it broke.If that wasn't fate stepping in I don't know what was.

She started to pull away but I held her to my chest.No I wouldn't let her leave.I couldn't.

In eight years I've never said anything to her that I meant more then my next words.Pulling her closer I whispered them in her ear.

"Scully…I'm sorry."

She melted in my arms and spun around throwing her arms around my neck and hugging me so tightly I thought she'd strangle me.

"Mulder…I'm not fine." She managed to squeeze out past her tear-clogged throat.I didn't mind now that she clung so tightly in fact I wanted to hold her closer and make it all right.And unlike the past she actually wanted me too.I knew then that I had misjudged her.I even entertained the thought that maybe it was my child she was carrying.Weirder things had happened to both of us.

I kissed the top of her head and let her stop crying.When she pulled away from me our eyes met.Her always distant and carefully guarded, even icy at times, sapphire eyes sparkled with unshed tears but they were clearer then the sky they resembled.This time I could see into her soul and what I saw amazes me still.

Her eyes didn't hate me, in fact just the opposite.In her eyes I saw the little pieces of me that had become part of her, I saw with an honesty I had though not possible even in a woman of such integrity as her.The parts of me that were empty, the parts of me that were missing, the things I needed, they all shined at me through her eyes.That was when I knew with a certainty that I wasn't alone when my heart leapt at her touch.It wasn't just me hiding layers of veiled significance in every word.

For a moment I thought I had the strength to confess everything but her eyes quickly darted away as a stray tear slipped through her dark lashes.Not wanting the moment to end I kissed her cheek where it had dared to tread.A flash of a smile crossed the lips I so wanted to taste and she opened the eyes that she had momentarily hidden.

I noticed that a tear of my own had slipped out as she caught it with her thumb.I wished she had kissed mine away like I had her's.Looking at her eyes I knew the moment was over.She had her mask on again.But now I knew.

As I pulled her to her feet and walked her to the car with my hand resting on the small of her back I knew three things that would keep me going.

I loved Scully more then anything else in the world.

She felt the same.

She didn't know that she loved me.It was something she'd hidden from even herself.


	6. Good ol'days Scully's pov

I could tell him now

I could tell him now.He was my Mulder again.The one I had grown to care for so much over the years. G—how I'd missed him.We were sitting in my apartment on my couch with a cushion and the truth between us.I really wished however that there was nothing between us.

After he helped me to the car he stayed with me and drove me home.He'd helped me to my apartment and now we both sat staring at each other while the coffee I'd just made sat cooling in our cups.I didn't want to look away but the reasonable part of me broke our gaze and sighed.I watched out of the corner of my eye as he too turned away with a strange look on his face.He was sad I'd turned away first.I knew I had to tell him without sparing him any detail of what had happened.I knew it wouldn't be easy and right now I just wanted to sit with him like this in silence.Looking back I don't know that we ever did the silence thing very well.We'd always tried to fill the little spaces with witty and sarcastic phrases, playing a verbal cat and mouse game.And it worked for us but this silence worked too and I wanted it to continue.

William however wanted to meet the man who would hopefully become his father, so he kicked me harder then he ever had before (he keeps getting smarter everyday and is becoming a second conscious for me.) and I grimaced.Mulder smiled as if he had wanted to do the very same thing.

"Can I?" he asked.There was the awkwardness again; we definitely had to get over this.The old Mulder would have reached over and touched me without hesitation.I nodded my encouragement and he slid closer to me and placed a hand on my stomach.I was suddenly very aware of the slight pressure each of his five fingers made on my stomach.I wished Mulder would open the conversation more so that I wouldn't have to bring it up.But I knew that he wouldn't.

"Mulder…I" I tried to start but his eyes went wide like a little boy who just discovered some amazing wonder.

"Scully shh." He interrupted taking my hand and placing it with his as William kicked.He was being even more wonderful then I thought he would.He actually cared about my child. I could see in his eyes the sorrow for not being here with me sooner.

"I have a confession." He interrupted the moment.

"I do too." I admitted.

"It seems we've had our share of misunderstandings." He started out and I nodded for him to continue. "I've been pretty selfish and 'narcissistic' lately haven't I." He smiled at me as he quoted my earlier words. I smiled back at him. "I thought…" he stopped here and looked down at his lap I broke in to make it easier on him like I always used to.

"You felt betrayed. You thought I'd replaced you.You wanted to be happy for me but you couldn't because you felt that you'd let me down." I supplied.

"You always do that." He commented smiling.Oh how I had missed his smiles.

"What?"

"You always know what I'm thinking and I never know what your thinking.One of these days though I'm going to figure you out Agent Scully." He teased.I wished he could read me right now.

"I don't think you'll ever achieve that area of enlightenment Mulder."

"I'm hurt. Don't you think that my experience with the reticulan world has opened me up to new levels?" he joked back.

"I'm sure those little green men opened you up to all new levels but I don't think that you'll ever be open to that." Hoping my comment wasn't too off I watched him closely. When he gave me a full-blown Mulder grin. I loved those grins they lit up the entire room and you couldn't help but smile back.

"Grey Scully. I thought you knew that by now."

"Yeah. I know a lot of things now."

"Like?" he questioned.

"Like it's getting late and our coffee is getting cold."

"Let it." He said staring in my eyes with the look that had gotten all too familiar in the months before he was taken.It left me confused and alive at the same time. I didn't want to get locked in his gaze again so I looked away.His hand came up and cupped my cheek and I closed my eyes enjoying his touch.But only because he had been gone so long.

"Scully look at me." He begged. There was something in his voice that sent a chill down my spine. I opened my eyes and stared into his liquid puddles.So much like a puppy's but filled with depths I had never imagined, not that I'd imagined the two of us sitting here just staring into each other's eyes.They were searching for something, I wanted to give him whatever he was looking for but I couldn't because I didn't know what he was looking for.He looked away with that same disappointed look as earlier.

"I'd better go." He said and started to leave. I didn't want him to leave and before I knew what I was doing I called to him.

"Mulder…" he stopped and turned to me."Can you just sit with me?"He came over and sat by me.

"Scully when I was gone…"

"Mulder don't…it can wait."He nodded somewhat grateful but somewhat hurt too I think.

"When you were gone. I…" he grabbed my hand to give me courage to continue."When we found you and you were…I…" a tear slipped down my cheek but I let it go unchecked.After this afternoon and after my experience with his autopsy I wasn't afraid to cry in front of him anymore. I decided to try again with a different route. "I wanted to believe.I wanted to believe that all of it wasn't real but it was real.I just…I don't know how…"

"Sometimes with all the words we have we still can't say it.No matter how many words there are in the English language there is never enough to say what we need to say.We used to play with the English language everyday for fun.We were good at it.One witty comment followed another.Artists of the language really.But it never worked when there was something important to say.Some things just can't be captured and put into words.We can't put them in black and white.To do so takes the magic from them and they become synthetic and cold, meaning nothing.For example the words 'I love you' mean nothing now.We toss them around like confetti and they land almost anywhere.They've become commercialized and overused by the public for cheap thrills and quick self-satisfying encounters.I could buy a hallmark card with all sorts of romantic words but what would it mean?The sentiment fades when we try to put it in words.Some things just can't be explained." How right he was.About it all. How many times had we skated around an issue because we didn't know how to say it?For all our skill we still couldn't express our own needs.

"You know Mulder maybe I was wrong."

"Hmm. Bout what?" he said lost in thought.

"About you never reaching that state of enlightenment." I said lightly.

"No. I think you were right.Think about it Scully can we ever really say we know someone well enough to understand them.There is too much unpredictability, too many random acts that can occur, all of which could shift the score.As much as we'd like to think that we can read each other's minds, for all our predictability there is too much of that other element. I think that the human mind is something that we will never be able to understand or predict."

"Mulder?"

"Huh?"

"Shut up." I said with a smile and he laughed.


	7. "Thats the wrong doll." Mulders pov

I can't deny how great it has been to be back with Scully.I don't know how I got on so long pushing her away.I also don't know how I could have assumed so much.She was still my Scully but there was a new side to her, one that hadn't existed before my abduction.This motherhood thing seems to be fitting for her.I always used to watch her whenever she was around children especially after we found out she wasn't able to have any of her own.And then more so after Emily.I knew she would be good at being a mother.She seemed to be made for it and that had made the knowledge that because of my quest she couldn't have any even harder.

I think she has almost everything she has ever wanted now.I just don't know where I fit into her new life.I'm not her partner anymore the FBI has seen to that.All I can be is her friend and I don't know if that will be enough.I still question why she took me back after all I had said and done.I like to think that its because she can't live without me as much as I can't live without her.And maybe on some subconscious level she feels it too.What I saw in her eyes I have been looking forever since.I don't know if I just tricked myself into seeing it.At the time I was pretty needy, h--- every time I'm around her I feel needy.

I can't help but remember every time she has reached out to me and I find that they weren't as numerous as the times I've used her.I can't help but feel the emotions that drove me so hard to wean myself from her before my abduction.

Sometimes I wonder what was going through her mind that night so long ago in Oregon.When she was standing there in my doorway, so many feelings had run through me I found it hard to believe that she hadn't been affected similarly.I remembered a night almost eight years ago when she stood in my doorway with a similar fear running through her.I flashed on all the years we had been together and I couldn't believe how unbelievably lucky I was to have her in my life.And I couldn't believe how unbelievably stupid I had been to keep secrets from her.What would happen to her when I died?At that time I was certain that death was going to take me from her and I hadn't even told her how much she meant to me.I hadn't even told her how much I needed her.

It was a pride thing. I couldn't let her see me as less then I was.

It was a denial of the truth that I'd found.If she didn't know, it wasn't happening.

I tried to tell myself it was to protect her, but I see now that I was only trying to protect myself.I came so close that night.Holding her in my arms felt like holding paradise.I almost told her everything.I was so afraid I would lose her before she lost me.She was so much stronger then me.She always has been so much stronger.

I only hope that there will be more nights like that one in Oregon.Maybe now I can fill that role I've so wanted.Now that there is nothing between us and no one in the way.

My mind replays the events earlier tonight.She came home from the hospital and she opened my gift to her and our child.Her words of how I gave her courage to believe still ring through my head.Didn't she know that I got my courage from her?Didn't she know all the things she had given me?I would have quit so many times.I would have died so many times.

After she had shared that with me she had told me all she knew of my child's conception.Which was less then I had imagined.She had no idea how it had happened.It really was a miracle.

She'd asked me then if I would be his father.She was convinced it was a boy.I think she is probably right.Her face said so much tonight.But it hadn't said what I needed it to say.It hadn't echoed my feelings.

I knew when she asked me to be his father however that it had been hard for her to ask. I was grateful for that.Grateful that she was able to ask.I don't know what she thought I would say but she seemed relieved when I told her yes.She didn't seem to know how relieved I was when she asked me.I had hoped that I would be able to give her this gift and when I hadn't be able to it had hurt vastly.And now that this miracle was going to happen I felt honored and relieved to know that she still wanted me to play the role of his father.

I had felt that I had somehow failed her and with her words she had assured me that I was wrong and that I still held someplace in her heart.

Just where that place was, was something I was more then willing to explore.I wanted to be his father in everyway possible, not in just words.


End file.
